Author Topic: personal statenment plz read  (Read 1596 times)

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ace114

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personal statenment plz read
« on: November 28, 2009, 01:05:20 AM »
writing a personal statenment for college.. need help fixing it or editing it wat eva. this is wat i have soo far. How is it???

       My fascination for science began with understanding the mechanic’s functioned in life, its inclination to go wrong, the administering of technology and science to rectify the problem; and asking the simplest yet complex questions such as “Why & How” is the primary reason I have chosen to immerse and apply myself to medicine.
  [FONT="]James Russell Lowell once said “True scholarship consists in knowing not what things exist, but what they mean; it is not memory but judgment”. (Should I define the quote) [/FONT]The passion to further my understanding for science is derived from my curiosity of why and how something is. My desire to pursue medicine is reflected in my course selections. Physics is an interesting and a demanding course; the onerous nature of this course has helped me improve my skills, too, think from many different angles and finds answers using logic. Chemistry helped me understand the mechanics between interactions in the materialized world.  AP biology and biology courses have helped me acquire deeper understandings of the functions and interactions between different organisms; however the biology courses have been like drinking salt water; answering many inquires and producing twice as many new ones, thus increasing my thirst for curiosity.
   
  “answering many inquires and producing twice as many new ones” should I change to answering many inquires only to

Si

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personal statenment plz read
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2009, 03:50:36 AM »
Not gonna lie here...that was very very poorly written. There is so many things wrong with this that I'm not even going to be begin to try and correct it all for you.

It's very apparent that you're trying to write at a level which you aren't at.

My advice to you is to simplify everything. Use vocabulary that you know and understand. Write concise sentences, don't try and glitter them up.

I know you're trying to make this very "smart sounding" or whatever, but if you just try and stay within your writing capabilities I think you'll get much better results.
Quote from: HardDrive;355842
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daftie

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personal statenment plz read
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2009, 05:50:16 AM »
My fascination for science began with understanding how life's mechanics function, how things are inclined to go wrong, as well as the application of technology and science to rectify the problem. Asking the most fundamental questions of “Why?" and "How?” is the primary reason I have chosen to apply my efforts to medicine.

  James Russell Lowell once said: “True scholarship consists in knowing not what things exist, but what they mean; it is not memory but judgment”. The passion to further my understanding of science is derived from my curiosity. My desire to pursue medicine is reflected in my alma mater. Physics is an interesting and demanding course; the onerous nature of this course has helped me improve my skills, to think from many different angles and find answers using logic. Chemistry has helped me understand the mechanics between interactions in the materialized world.  AP biology and biology courses have helped me acquire deeper understanding of the functions and interactions between different organisms, however, the biology courses have been like drinking salt water; answering many inquiries and creating twice as many new ones, thus increasing my thirst for knowledge.
   
Changed words, sentence fragments and punctuation in green.
Watch for extra "s"'s, too much repetition and use the proper method for quoting (footnote).

Sunfire

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personal statenment plz read
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2009, 07:39:53 AM »
Quote from: si;310713
there is so many things wrong with this that i'm not even going to be begin to try and correct it all for you.


lIZARDFAIL!

Tempest

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personal statenment plz read
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2009, 01:21:00 PM »
Quote from: Si;310713
There is so many things wrong with this

Quote from: Si;310713
There is so many things wrong with this

Quote from: Si;310713
There is so many things
 

Quote from: Si;310713
is
 

Quote from: Si;310713
things
 





























Quote from: Si;310713
is
 


























Quote from: Si;310713
si
 





































:hitwithstick:

Anti

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personal statenment plz read
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2009, 01:26:22 PM »
Quote from: Si;310713
Not gonna lie here...that was very very poorly written. There is so many things wrong with this that I'm not even going to be begin to try and correct it all for you.

It's very apparent that you're trying to write at a level which you aren't at.

My advice to you is to simplify everything. Use vocabulary that you know and understand. Write concise sentences, don't try and glitter them up.

I know you're trying to make this very "smart sounding" or whatever, but if you just try and stay within your writing capabilities I think you'll get much better results.


Well put, and I second that. Daftie's corrections made it fairly proper English, but it's still seriously flawed. I'd rewrite with Si's suggestions.

Si

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personal statenment plz read
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2009, 07:40:10 PM »
:rofl temp I love you


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